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Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment...
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs
I was thinking about jumping on the Patriot`s Fan bandwagon, but I am afraid that the tires would be deflated...
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....