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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
Forget the hero part, I just like the fact that Batman punches clowns.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
My Dr said I am a sex addict. I ask him how he knew and he said you are a man.
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
You know why it`s called almond milk? Cuz you can`t say nut juice with a straight face
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!