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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
You know what`s more miraculous than a video with a million view but no dislikes on YouTube? The detention sheet empty for my class.
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
When I go to the gas station I always get two kinds of drinks so it appears I actually have a friend..I think they`re catching on though.
Online personality tests are pretty self-explanatory… If you’re taking the test, chances are you don`t have one.
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
And today I learned to never ask a woman how she dye`s her roots black.
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.
Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it`s your own fault."