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I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
Shouldn`t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It`s like we work there for a little while.
Don`t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex`s name tattooed.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
You know how we smack your household appliances when they`re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.