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I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
I have a hidden talent......I really wish I could find it!
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
Facebook account for sale, Friends included...
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.