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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Never trust a skinny chef
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
I have finally conquered my annoying habit of repeatedly pressing the snooze button every morning by programming my alarm clock to play lullabies!
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.