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When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
I`m a passionate supporter of things that don`t inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort.
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you’ve got them.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Screw your recommended serving size. You don`t know me.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
Well, just 8 more hours of Facebook and I can go back to bed. *phew*
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.