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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
wants my 260 FB friends to know I love you all..except #193
"Three blind mice" is probably the most popular nursery rhyme about animal cruelty
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!