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I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
Here`s a joke for all you mind readers...
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
Thanks to yesterday`s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Of course I`m crazy, but that doesn`t mean I`m wrong
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.