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If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
I`m curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they`re taking it out of their cars too?
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
If I drank, I`d have a lot funnier status updates on Facebook than I do now. Well, at least I`d think they were funnier.
If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
I think I really have an amazing butt, every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say,"what an a$$.."
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.