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Haters are my motivators(:
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages
Apparently, when asked by a Traffic Cop "Where you going in such a hurry?", "To your sister`s house!" is not considered respectful to a law enforcement official......
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
When in doubt, take a nap.
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.