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79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
I just ran 3.5 miles in 30 minutes! Ha! Just kidding, I ate some ice cream.
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
Life is fun! You should get one.
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
If House of Cards has taught me anything it’s that I need a friend who owns a rib place.
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.