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I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
Statistics show the number one cause of failed relationships is opening your mouth and letting words come out.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
If I knew how to backflip, I`d never walk anywhere.
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
"Iyam A. Wii Todd" <-- Bet you can say that name out loud, in a crowded place, and really fast!
How long do I have to lay on the couch in the same position before I can call it "yoga"?
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.