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Trust me, you want me medicated!!
It`s called "Biscotti" because nobody would buy "chocolate covered croutons".
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
I flunked anger management class.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.