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My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
My friend named her female dog Karma... Karmas a bitch.
If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
Day 1. I am thankful that I haven`t fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
I don`t know about you, but I`ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.