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I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
I just want to find someone who will love me for exactly who I am pretending to be.
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
Nothing screams "I don`t care about being on time for work" like hopping on Facebook first thing in the morning.
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
Revenge is best served to someone`s toothbrush.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.