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Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it`s been since you`ve had a date?
People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.
Three words to ruin a woman`s ego. "I can`t tell."
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money.....but I am always reassured by the fact that I don`t have any money..........or a girlfriend....
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.
A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?