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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level.
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping SCREW YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.