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Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
Now that Microsoft`s Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
Saying "think outside the box" is a pretty inside the box suggestion.
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.