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Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
Just pour the coffee and back away slowly.
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
Is it just me or doesn`t anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
Here`s a crazy concept, maybe I`m not in a bad mood, angry, or a bitch. Maybe I said it because it`s true and I meant it. Marinate on that.
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
Why has someone not invented a see-through toaster yet?
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
Common sense is like deodorant....The people who need it most never use it.
Did we try giving the government a snickers?
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.