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Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.