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Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
My nickname is Gilette because I`m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
Studies show that people who want tribal tattoos are directly related to living under a rock
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
My memory foam has amnesia
I google myself sometimes just to know what the hell I`m up to. ;)