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New day, same old bullsh!t
Ever have the experience of staring at an outfit hanging in your closet and wondering which of the personalities did the shopping that day?
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
My name is Fred and I`m a survivor. If you are out there..if anyone is out there. I can provide food/shelter..Anybody please....U are not alone....
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation Iām having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.