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I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making.
I did absolutely nothing today and did it well!!!
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
If there is one-thing in this would i don`t like being thought is ... a lesson.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
Why is this dude chatting with Jake from State Farm at three in the morning anyhow?
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
Save your breath ... You`ll need it later to blow up your date.
I hate it when the little voices argue with my imaginary friends.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
I hope when I die Charlie Sheen`s life flashes before my eyes.
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late