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Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
I`m not saying you`re a slut but you`re dirtier than my browser history.
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!! But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer. She never even knew.
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Key to a great marriage ... Lack of imagination.
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
Any fool can use a computer ... Many do
Well after 6 months of my girlfriend nagging, I finally did it, I lost 120lbs ... I`m sure gonna miss her.
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
Being clean and sober means i’ve showered and am heading to the liquor store.