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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
The guy that discovered milk...What was he doing to that cow?
That awkward moment when you run into someone and there`s no where to hide
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
Shark week is over, but I`m not taking my decorations down.
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
I`m thinking about starting a vegetarian dance club... I`m going to call it "lettuce turnip the beets". What do you think?
After a night of heavily drinkin` there`s one thing I can`t stand...and that`s up.
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
"It`s not about who`s right or wrong."~ The person that is wrong
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.