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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
How do amish girls know if its a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular candle lit dinner.
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
whoo hoo...I have new gutters. Please try and keep your mind out of them.
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.
Bad decisions make good stories.
So apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with "Maybe next time" wasn`t the best response. Who knew?
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?