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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
I don`t care if its a scam! Just the fact that the Prince of Nigeria sends me personal email makes me feel special!
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
I`ve had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven`t grown any crops.
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
I`m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they`re making ceramic bowls.
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....