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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
I`ve decided that from now on I`m going to answer every question like a presidential candidate. It`s kind of fun...
"Dean, what are you doing this weekend?"
"That`s a great question -- and an important one. And I WILL do something this weekend. But let me take a step back, and answer a broader question. What are we ALL doing this weekend? As a nation? As a world? This weekend, I will do something comprehensive and robust, yet fun. We all should."
"But what are you doing?"
"What I`m g
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
I embraced my inner child today and the lil` bastard bit me!