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You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
I`m a Leader not a follower. Unless it`s a dark place...then you`re going first!
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
"Hey, man, just called to see when you`re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too." -Radio Stations
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
To save time, lets just assume I am never wrong ;)
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.