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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
Remember, You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
Would you mind going with me to my next Psychologist appointment? He thinks I`m making you up.
Well after 6 months of my girlfriend nagging, I finally did it, I lost 120lbs ... I`m sure gonna miss her.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever...
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?