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Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.