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Does the Food Network deliver?
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re my bartender & you say "This guy looks like he needs another double vodka martini" then please do..
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
Seeking one night stand. I might need two though, I do have a lot of books.
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.
Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.