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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.
Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
Youth is wasted on the young.