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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
I`m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I`ll run them under cold water for half a second
No way Iām the only one who crosses their fingers, closes their eyes & holds their breath when checking their account balance.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
Pretty soon you`ll be able to get married online, instead of saying "I do" you will have to click "I agree to these terms and conditions."
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.