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It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
If you’ve never pretended a Cheeto is a tiny caveman club, we can’t be friends.
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
Do Hostess employees have Snowball fights?
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.