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The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
Seen it all, done it all, can´t remember most of it.
hilarious
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.
How`d this get posted?
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.