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Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
Dang girl,, Are you a Snickers bar? Because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly long lasting,, hold up,,,, are those nuts?
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
May be time to get in shape. Halfway up this flight of stairs and I`m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I`m beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
Just dropped off some film to be processed. More on this story as it develops.
Sometimes, I`m offended at how easily offended some people get.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.
A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.