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Let me be clear, I don`t want to die alone. However I want to be left completely alone until that moment
I will write something profound ... subsoil!
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
I don`t get enough credit for not going on killing sprees.
I don`t think its a coincidence that "Sober" and "So bored" sound very much alike
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.
I hate when I accidentally eat everything in sight.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.
Going to make pizza for dinner!! Ingredients Required: Phone, Menu & Credit Card.. Ohhh I can smell it cooking already!! ;)
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.