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Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I`m too lazy to learn science too.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you`re not being arrested?
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It`s called Facebook.
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.