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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
Sorry I pissed you off, but I find you much more entertaining this way.
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.