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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
This nude beach would be great!...if I wasn`t the only one participating.
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
Nothing is more heartbreaking than unappreciated sarcasm!
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
So if a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should we trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
One day id like to have a brand new Iphone like the lady in front of me with the food stamps.
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.