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It`s pretty stupid the way mornings have to come every morning.
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
Yes I am a bad boy ... But your the one that`s going to get spanked.
If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
My girlfriend said if this gets 100 thumbs up we`ll try anal. So please don`t vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.