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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
Nothing makes me want to leave a website more than a pop-up window saying, “Are you sure you want to leave this page?”
What idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.
I chose the wrong fork in the road, took the road less travelled and got off the beaten path and now I don`t know where the hell I am.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again: it before
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.