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Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
Rap Music is like Scissors…It always loses to Rock.
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
Would an obsession with the imperial measurement system be considered a foot fetish?
The older I get the earlier it gets late.
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
Everyone picks their nose at some point, it`s what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.