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Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don`t eat anything else today and tomorrow.
A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
Always end a conversation with "gotta run" so people think you`re into fitness
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if Iām not sure what it means
The older I get the earlier it gets late.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.