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Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
I`m having trouble telling if it`s killing me or making me stronger
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
Relationship Status: Very relieved socks can`t get pregnant.
Nothing starts my day off quite like an inspirationsl status!...May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear no ride up your a$$.