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If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is Satan`s chariot.
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
Inspiration: nobody else knows what the hell they’re doing either.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.