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Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it`s a small soft drink.
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.