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When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
It`s like the people in this restroom don`t even want my help unbuttoning their pants. STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
Don`t you just want to write on some people`s Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.