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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else`s house.
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot ... I didn`t even know I had a wife.
Every day is a constant battle of trying to convince myself I don’t like cookies.
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.