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I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
It`s almost Valentines Day and I still don`t know what to get myself yet.
I wasn`t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year until I heard about those exploding Samsung G7 Note phones.
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
Did you know that running for just 10 minutes a day raises your risk of posting inspirational quotes by 63%?
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
i like boobs
It’s so nice outside I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."