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If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
My life is just one long improvisation.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
just wanted to tell the weekend that I love you and I will be back, I will not let the weekdays take me away from you.
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.