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*wants to travel the world but has like 3 dollars*
I`m thinking of changing my voicemail to the following: "If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me."
Winter needs to calm the f*ck down
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
I hope your day is as nice as your butt.
The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly...."You can see me???"
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
If there`s anything I`ve learned in my 27 years, it`s to never admit your real age.
I like to finish other people`s sentences because my version is better.