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In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.
If I work up the courage to tell you I love you...the least you can do is introduce yourself to me dammit.
I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
I finally stopped caring what other people think ... I hope everyone`s ok with that.
Immature is just a word boring people use to describe fun people.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
Are you bored? Go to someone`s Facebook wall, Scroll down 4 months and like something.
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"