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Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn`t work. Don`t believe the rumors.
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I sure do feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
Thinking " What would happen if the whole world farted at once and a person lit a lighter?"
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
Don’t get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
Hand sanitizer: the cut finder.