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Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds...don`t get her a bathroom scale. Just sayin"
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.
I just threw up my weekend.
Rest area restrooms are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.