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Didja ever get to know someone so well, that you wish you didn`t know them at all????
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
HA! If you think I`M crazy you should meet ME!
Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
You know what’s funny? Lot’s of sh!t. Loosen up already.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
It’s my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing o’clock.
A shark will only attack you if you’re wet.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?