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i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
I love Halloween because it`s the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
Have you ever looked at someone and realized "WTF" is always what immediately comes to mind?
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all ...
I don`t work that hard, I just make everything look way more difficulat than it is...
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
Me in a shopping mall: "I like that stuff" *looks at pricetag* "i don`t like it anymore"
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.