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Didja ever get to know someone so well, that you wish you didn`t know them at all????
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
HA! If you think I`M crazy you should meet ME!
Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
I`d offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
You just donβt see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
If you donβt feel just a little bit of shame after the weekendβ¦ youβre not doing it right.
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
You know whatβs funny? Lotβs of sh!t. Loosen up already.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
Itβs my favorite time of the day: How long can I stare directly at my monitor and do absolutely nothing oβclock.
A shark will only attack you if youβre wet.
You say Iβm dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?